dead air

i got my one day leave approved! morose, unkempt, messy--i paraded all the little malls nearby--and yes, had my medical check up. something fishy is going on with my tummy and i already am feeling so harassed that a doctor's diagnosis is the least thing that i want! please, no scalpels!
i miss my gunding so much that everytime i see a baby i just wanna pack up and leave my 'oh-so-easy' job here. but i know it wont do anything good...my momma keeps on bugging me to resign but i know she just really wants me to feel that i still have a home and no matter what happens to my career, i'm still so welcome! but as chara would say it, "let's not go empty-HAMdead, gurl!" fine!
oh, how i love my mom! she's the only one who can keep me going and stop me at the same time...she's the only one who truly understands how i feel and how much acceptance i need. she knows how proud and insecure i can get.
i can still imagine life in college. i'm still guilty over the fact that i told chara, psychology society president then, a lot of philo drop outs are now under her club..but it was just a joke, i never meant anything. chara just laughed and left and told me "alright, hats off to your course!" i really was so sure that after college i'd land the perfect job. hey, i'm the club's president--academic-wise, i'm no.1! i smirk at the sight of an A- philosophy grade. philosophy is my turf and i can't be second best. believe me, that's how proud i was.
during class discussions, i'm the first to be called and the first to be asked. it really doesn't matter whether i give the best answer or not, when i talk, everybody listens. and if i don't hit the right answer, my teacher would do the qualification on my behalf and that just made me even more proud of myself.
i can still remember what i did when one of the most respected professors in the faculty came back after finishing his second doctor's degree. there was an affair then and the next semester will be my batch' last semester in college. i approached the infamous professor and asked him to handle one of our subjects next semester..seemingly pleased, he gave me his word. the subject he handled became the most difficult subject we have taken--and i finished it off with a flattering A! and again, i became prouder.
then college ended. and tears fell. and the proud girl was humbled. and finally, i realize the substance of my course--the pursuit of knowledge starts with humility. i was, all along, ignorant of this.
after getting sunburned and all, summer ended and i'm still jobless.
enter law school. enter insecurities. enter humility.
seven months of bumming around. seven months of feeling rejected. seven months of not knowing whether i'd ever get a job. when the semester ended, i don't know if i will be back to school for the second sem. it came out that my family was willing to help me achieve my dream, but the proud person that i am changed directions and---welcome, call center!
i joined the most famous industry as of the moment. it doesn't really matter if you're a dean's lister or if you were a president of this or that club. all you need are the following: ENGLISH LANGUAGE, COMPUTER SKILLS, DEAF EAR.
yes, deaf ear. of course, the ones who conducted the interview never told us that. i never knew of it too. i was just so happy to have my first job that i really i don't care. i was already warned by chara, she told me that with the kind of character that i have, i wont appreciate the job. i was warned by my classmates. i didn't listen..i had that deaf ear all along! i'm fit for the job--or, so i thought!
i'm here now for more than two months. that same infamous professor warned me before i left for cebu. he talked me out of it, actually. i was stubborn.
eight hours of waiting for calls; one hour of being screamed at by bitchy customers; one hour of being praised by generous and appreciative callers; one hour of waiting for airline reps to answer my call; one hour to eat my lunch which is scheduled at 2:30 in the morning; one hour of being persuaded to resign; one hour of regretting my decision; one hour of learning my lesson; one hour of waiting for my shift to end.
nikki, my roommate, woke me up one sunny afternoon (night time to us) when she suddenly murmured "may i have your itinerary number?' on her sleep! she must really love our job! she even takes it to bed with her..gross!
up until this moment, i remain undecided. it seems as though my reign in college never equipped me with the right demeanor to accept realities.
this proud girl has been tamed in the most unexpected way she knows.
but still, i am thankful. i have a life. something i do not really want, but i have a life. and my mother, her acceptance is forever. if only for her, then i know i will always belong.