precious days

it used to be so ordinary. everything has changed.
a day with my family.
strange...strange, how i miss a feeling i did not
even notice..
away from the cradle of my home,
separated by miles of unfound togetherness..
living beneath the sheets of endless memories..
dreaming of my mother's laughter
and hoping for my angel's smile.
don't let me forget; i dont want to get used to it..
everything will soon change again..and i will..
precious days of yesterday..wondering if tomorrow has
hope.

unemployment has its wonders...it makes you think of the best things in life yet to come! and now, i'm a working girl. a single, working girl. and i feel empty.
i remember how it was in high school. years of enthusiasm and fantasies. i know what i want, i know how to get what i want, and i know i can get what i want! now, i still know what i want, i still know how to get it, but i no longer know if i can still get it.
i never thought, not even in my wildest dreams, that i'd land this job. i'd be a certified rainmaker, i said. i joined all the debating clubs i know and majored the best course i know that will route me to the 'proper' destination..i was routed to that 'proper' destination but i have to change directions. reason: i have to grow up..
indeed, growth expands horizons. the horizon that you see is the same horizon that will block you from looking further; the same horizon that says 'stop' when there could have been a bit more, if only you didn't stop.
have i grown? they said independence is leaving the comfort zone but it welcomes maturity. i'd say, independence is leaving the comfort zone not because you want to mature but because time will always lead you there. you have to grow. harsh as it may seem, reality will always be bigger than us.
faced by the so many obstacles in life that possitivists have always tried to erase from our minds and yet by the act of doing so, they show them to us, horizons should never blindfold us but instead should tell us that there is something else, more than that which we are looking at.
as life gets bigger, i feel smaller. soon, i'll know more; yielding two different outcomes, i'll enjoy life's wonder or life will enjoy my wonder.
i don't hate my job. this is my first job, and i should be thankful that for a newbie like me, i'm getting double the mininum salary. i'm happy, yes. but this will never be my first and last job. my heart is not here, it's wandering somewhere else. and i know, i'll find it soon. and when that time comes, i'll stay where it is.

remember

for years, i've created my own masterpiece and dwelled on the belief that no matter what, my masterpiece will always be there. i'm a dreamer. i will always be one. and for the so many instances that i failed, the only thing that brings me back to life is the hope that i can still dream and that i'm going to create a new piece again, not the master maybe, but that piece, that piece is mine.
the vivid remembrance of that deep affirmation that came from within still haunts me. who says money is nothing? it is something, i tell you. tears drained fluids from a lot of bodies because of this impossibility to get or fulfill something with money as the medium of transanction. i wouldn't leave my dream behind and fold it neatly; i will just hide it until the next morning when i am ready to pick it up and embrace it once more---and hopefully, just hopefully, never let go of it.....
somehow, i realized, there are things that should be left behind for me to cross another direction, to move on, to dream again.
i left my dream behind. and now i am so uncertain whether i can still pick it up or will it just be part of the dusts of my hurried steps. i must go for something but i must leave something else...
and sadly, that something else is that same something else that took me years to build and a few days to break...and now, away from the memories, i keep my fingers crossed; hoping that by the time i'm ready to make that dream into a reality, the dream is still there and the reality of which is still under my control...