looking back...

i posted this in pro-lovecomm (yahoo group in college)nov 16, 2004...la lang, nahan lang ko i-post pud sa akong blog..hehe, ga-work pa ko ani sa PS..(changes: i'm just a 3-hr drive away from my hometown, my school is very POPULAR here, closer na jud ko sa ako family karon! wala'y pag bag-o: hehe d jud ilado ako course dah!, ug well, di jud cguro mi pwede! laki man kaha iya type!) read on..
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you see, i'm starting to love myself more..
who could have thought that i could really achieve such feat!!
yes, it's an achievement..

i love my home town. you can leave me anywhere in the city and i sure
can find my way back home. i know which route to choose, which
vehicle to ride, which place to go. i can tell you a lot about my
place and there's still a lot more to tell after i pause to catch
some air. and while my hometown continues to flourish, the changes
that are happening to it just make it more and more strange. and i'm
afraid that when the time comes that i have to go home, my home no
longer is...

i love my school. it made me the person that i am today. i am so
proud of my school that you can't talk about your school without me
sharing something about my school that will definitely shut you up!
yes, my school is the best school for me. who cares if your from
harvard? i am from xavier. and now i'm here in a place which houses
schools i don't even know existed. and i'm missing the familiarity of
my school...

i love my course! my decision to take up philosophy is one of the
best decisions i've made so far. i can't help but tell everyone who
asks about my course how beautiful it is, and i don't care if you
frown in disbelief or sigh in awe..my course is the best course there
is. now, i'm sorrounded by people who don't even know that there is
such course--or who doesn't give a damn. and i can't brag about my
course anymore because all those people who would frown in disbelief
or sigh in awe are no longer there...and i'm starting to give a damn.

i'm in love with someone. for two years now i've been in love with
the same guy. we finished the same course and pursued law after
graduation. he is still in law school while i am starting to miss
reading those law cases (that really sucked before.) he is still
answering legal questions in law classes thrown by arrogant lawyer-
teachers while i'm starting to forget the feeling of being thrown a
stupid legal question and giving the same-level-of-stupidity answer.
and yes, i miss him.

i love my family. yes, i do. my family is the last air i'd like to
breath when the time comes that i must stop breathing. but things in
life just have to make me decide. i've made my decision and the fruit
of which is starting to face me; creating doubts and confusions.
i'm working in a place far from home--and home is where my family is.
to wrap it neatly, i left my family.
christmas is coming and all i could do is to hum that ol' christmas
song i used to hum years before without any feelings. that song talks
about spending christmas away from your family. now, that i'm gonna
spend christmas time alone, the song exudes with meaning i never
thought existed!

things have changed...i'm alone but not really. memories will never
leave me unless i stop remembering. but remembering only makes me
feel more alone. and the feeling of being alone makes me get stuck up
in one corner. and being stuck up in one corner will defeat my self-
esteem. and when my self-esteem is gone, then i'm gone too..

but i'm loving myself more! you see, i've conquered my fears. i've
left the comfort zone behind. i'm seeing things in a bigger
perspective. life is bigger--and i can now see that bigger picture of
life. and i'm happy.
i am ms. independence. i am free.