this, is rare

yes, i miss the life i had in PS. not the work, the life..i miss going home not loaded with any work-related problem..i miss not doing any report (the only 'report' done then was call-docu..) i miss waking up at fixed hours and drag myself out of bed because it's time to hit the restroom...i miss wearing a jacket (silly..) i miss putting a headset on (t'was a cool thing..) and MOST OF ALL: I MISS MY ENGLISH!!!!!
God, please send me an american doctor whom i can discuss with using the english language!
and yes,
I MISS THE ABSENCE OF 'ESTABLISHING RAPPORT AND BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS!!!'
why?
because in PS, i can shout at my customer and forget about him because the chances of another encounter is as thin as me marrying brad pitt...
because in PS, i can be extra nice only once to a customer who will forget my name anyway..
because in PS, i don't have to see the customer eye to eye so while my voice is sooo dear, he doesn't know that i'm wrekcing havoc with my bare hands...
because in PS, i don't need to give my real name, so the hell with a customer's lawsuit against Nadia the e-rep! (yeah, i know he can locate me..but my company will take good care of it..)
I MISS THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT
because in PS, there is such a thing as a night diff..
because in PS, there is such a thing as an overtime pay
because working during holidays means money
I MISS MY ENGLISH
again...
I MISS MY SUPERVISOR
I MISS THE CASUAL LIFE
like addressing ur boss by his first name..no such thing as ma'am or sir..i love it! it makes me feel at ease
like not wearing any uniform at all as long as u look descent enough
I MISS CEBU
I MISS MY FRIENDS THERE

but i don't miss my job..just the way life was..

I DON'T MISS WAKING UP AND GOING TO WORK KNOWING i MYT ENCOUNTER ANOTHER AMERICAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO READ
"mr. smith, we have rules and regulations to abide by.."
"what rules and regulations?? i wasn't told!!"
"..asshole..."
"did u just call me an asshole? lemme talk to ur supervisor!"
"asshole? i called u an asshole? what i meant mr smith was FUCK YOU!"
I DON'T MISS PUTTING ON AN AVAIL MODE KNOWING ANYTIME A STUPID BITCH IS JUST WAITING ON QUEUE..
"Hi, there, barbara! how's ur day!"
"fine."
"great. so, how may i help u?"
"i want to cancel my flyt."
"lemme help u then. can i have ur itin #."
"i don't have it. can u locate it for me?"
"sure, that's not a problem. can i have ur e-mail addy so i can look up ur record here on my end?"
"don't have it either.."
..fyi: her tone of voice was so morose u'd think i'm the one who owes her a favor
"so, what do u have there? u have ur tel # associated with ur account with us?"
"bullshit! why can't u just locate my flyt using my name???"
...like she's the only one who has the name barbara whatever in the whole world...and yes, did i mention our flyts r international so our membership is worldwide?...
I DON'T MISS BEING PUT UNDER QA..
I DON'T MISS HAVING TO FILE FOR A PTO EVEN IF MY BRONCHITIS IS CAUSING ME TO INHALE WITH DIFFICULTY
I DON'T MISS THE EMOTIONAL TORMENT OF TALKING TO BOSSY AMERICANS..
I DON'T MISS WAITING IN VAIN FOR A PINOY CUSTOMER TO POP UP

..but hey, i heard they're giving out a 40K xmas bnus..wow..

mas malaki sa amin..sa mahal kong NESTLE pilipinas!

looking back...

i posted this in pro-lovecomm (yahoo group in college)nov 16, 2004...la lang, nahan lang ko i-post pud sa akong blog..hehe, ga-work pa ko ani sa PS..(changes: i'm just a 3-hr drive away from my hometown, my school is very POPULAR here, closer na jud ko sa ako family karon! wala'y pag bag-o: hehe d jud ilado ako course dah!, ug well, di jud cguro mi pwede! laki man kaha iya type!) read on..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you see, i'm starting to love myself more..
who could have thought that i could really achieve such feat!!
yes, it's an achievement..

i love my home town. you can leave me anywhere in the city and i sure
can find my way back home. i know which route to choose, which
vehicle to ride, which place to go. i can tell you a lot about my
place and there's still a lot more to tell after i pause to catch
some air. and while my hometown continues to flourish, the changes
that are happening to it just make it more and more strange. and i'm
afraid that when the time comes that i have to go home, my home no
longer is...

i love my school. it made me the person that i am today. i am so
proud of my school that you can't talk about your school without me
sharing something about my school that will definitely shut you up!
yes, my school is the best school for me. who cares if your from
harvard? i am from xavier. and now i'm here in a place which houses
schools i don't even know existed. and i'm missing the familiarity of
my school...

i love my course! my decision to take up philosophy is one of the
best decisions i've made so far. i can't help but tell everyone who
asks about my course how beautiful it is, and i don't care if you
frown in disbelief or sigh in awe..my course is the best course there
is. now, i'm sorrounded by people who don't even know that there is
such course--or who doesn't give a damn. and i can't brag about my
course anymore because all those people who would frown in disbelief
or sigh in awe are no longer there...and i'm starting to give a damn.

i'm in love with someone. for two years now i've been in love with
the same guy. we finished the same course and pursued law after
graduation. he is still in law school while i am starting to miss
reading those law cases (that really sucked before.) he is still
answering legal questions in law classes thrown by arrogant lawyer-
teachers while i'm starting to forget the feeling of being thrown a
stupid legal question and giving the same-level-of-stupidity answer.
and yes, i miss him.

i love my family. yes, i do. my family is the last air i'd like to
breath when the time comes that i must stop breathing. but things in
life just have to make me decide. i've made my decision and the fruit
of which is starting to face me; creating doubts and confusions.
i'm working in a place far from home--and home is where my family is.
to wrap it neatly, i left my family.
christmas is coming and all i could do is to hum that ol' christmas
song i used to hum years before without any feelings. that song talks
about spending christmas away from your family. now, that i'm gonna
spend christmas time alone, the song exudes with meaning i never
thought existed!

things have changed...i'm alone but not really. memories will never
leave me unless i stop remembering. but remembering only makes me
feel more alone. and the feeling of being alone makes me get stuck up
in one corner. and being stuck up in one corner will defeat my self-
esteem. and when my self-esteem is gone, then i'm gone too..

but i'm loving myself more! you see, i've conquered my fears. i've
left the comfort zone behind. i'm seeing things in a bigger
perspective. life is bigger--and i can now see that bigger picture of
life. and i'm happy.
i am ms. independence. i am free.

...LAW SCHOOL...

...i so envy them...
so, money doesn't matter, huh?
damn it! it does!!!!
but, well..i'm happy for you, guys! now ur approaching ur 3rd yr of affixing ur IDs with LLB..and me? not much to offer..i just happen to be a non-commuter now...i can really feel the 'gasoline problem'...i travel a lot now...i have my own money..i settle my own finances...i am almost ms. independent..heheh...
and yes, i'm going back to law school..am gonna be a lawyer..a successful lawyer...and ...i'm going to be happy!!! c u all in the courtroom..hehe..(but ei, our plan of putting up our own law firm still stand, does it?)
i miss u, et als!

I MISS CEBU

...that's all...

THE BARE TRUTH OF WORKING LIFE

seriously now..

for once, after my years of being just an spectator in school, i've finally found myself--living. being the actor that i should be in this drama called life..
for once, after so many complaints and pointing a bad finger at someone else--at times, at my own self, i've finally found myself--breathing. pumping precious oxygen into my 'ideals-filled' air bags.
for once, after so many years of theories, i've finally found myself--acting. doing things i never thought i could do--or would do. but i did.
for once, after so many failures, i've finally found myself achieving..affirmed. recognized. savoring the sweet scent of victory made possible by the pungent smell of losing.
and i realized: living is the only way to survive.u breathe the air of maturity and respond to the call of 'adulthood.' that daring to survive sometimes means going against traditions; preconceived notions; challenging the status quo; but accepting the FACT that u r IN A SOCIETY--you are because u r affirmed to be...and that others may not always see ur point, accept u, may not even know of ur existence. but u r there. and u knw that. that knowledge is ur stepping stone. i am here. i am different. i am. and because i dared to live, i took the risk. as a mother took the risk of dying when she is giving birth. failures. hardships. NORMAL. there r no shortcuts to victory. the only way to survive is to be there. know ur there. cherish the unfolding of life. experience. live. open ur eyes. hear. taste. feel. see. understand.
because there r things u take forgranted but would have given u that BIG BREAK had u taken the chance of giving it a second glance.

images

...soon...

...already...

...planning...

...searching...

REASONS

Gadamer in Cartoon Network

i love cartoon films. how much satisfaction do i get out of these films? just so much. i see them as a break. a break from the heavy issues of life. it's so easy watching cartoon films--no heavy feelings, no mind-buggling conversations, no puzzling endings. it's like seeing all the connections in just one look, i need no second glance. cartoon films are really for kids--and maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why i'm still drawn to it. i want that feeling of being a kid again.
and i guess it's not just me. what started out as cartoon films bloomed to fantasy series. harry potter? lord of the rings? the evolution of man's journey to a fantastical hermeneutics from the minds of the authors who maybe are dead tired of what reality can offer. i wish i could see that view they so much enjoy so i could create my own world even for just a little while. definitely they gather their materials from the now and the here. but you know what's so amazing? where they put these materials.
i don't know if i actually am getting it right. but i can see something out of this bloom of fantasy films: a tapestry of imaginations. fantasy films are made up of beautiful imaginations, an interpretation of life as it is right now: unromantic. from that interpretation man creates his own world, a romantic one, a magical world that the sciences of the time cannor offer. man goes beyond as he oftentimes does but still is grounded to the reality he so much wants to subvert.
if i did understand hans georg gadamer, he is opinion that there is knowledge in tradition. a preceding consensus that is so strong, a pre-understanding of life.
we esperience this. we are always left behind when we tend to create changes. this maybe the reason why some men would tend to release their own understanding through the tunnel of artistic system which, at least the majority, can grasp as simply an expression. there may be contestation even in the realm of art but a stronger paradigm reigns and it clouds artistic forms of expression away from the self-affirmed moralists who have the tendency to see things in black and white.
cartoon and fantasy films always end with a happy ending. a happy ending that echoes everyone's deep longing for a life worth living. a daylight, after all life's troubles. the prevalence of the fantasy films we have, although commercialized by the business sector, is an abbreviated book of comments and a dream of a happy life.
and although we try to go beyond the now and the here, a pre-conceived notion of something already exists even before we get to make a judgment. and this pre-conceived notion resonates, constantly reaching us. our experiences in life serve as biases and bases whenever we encounter something. it's not that j.k. rawling or tolkien experienced the magical world of harry potter or frodo; rather, they've experienced this life we all have and from that came out an unlimited flow of magic they tried to convey through a limited language. it is throgh experiencing the world that we become prejudiced. "prejudices," says gadamer, "are not necessarily unjustified and erroneous, so that they inevitably distort the truth...prejudices, in the literal sense of the word, constitute the initial directedness of our whole ability to experience." our prejudices become our pre-understanding when we interpret or create something. even our own creations entail in them our biases. our whole ability to experience is pre-conditioned by our historicity.
past heartache, for example, either makes us doubtful of a new romance, or clamour for it in an attempt to make it last. it is because "we are possessed by something and precisely because of it we are opened up for the new, the different, the true."
i hope i am not distorting gadamer's thought in saying that even if we go that far, we still carry with us footprints of a certain experience. a certain horizon still limits us that no matter how beautifully clad our fantasy films may be, even if a lot may see them as another world out there that we would like to be in, we cannot deny that 'the world we have here' is still immanent in that 'another world out there.' "there can be no doubt that the great horizon of the past, out of which our culture and our present live, influences us in everything we want, hope for, or fear.."
everything is hermeneutics. hermeneutics is everywhere. even in a computer-generated fantasy film, there can still be room for interpretation. a film, or any work of art for that matter, is an interpretation. it's being a form of art, however, must not be an excuse for it to be untouchable. it's not just in documentary films that you can ask what is being omitted. the presence of violence in fantasy films can be concealed, but cannot be hidden. there is so much head-cutting in fantasy films, so much blood-shedding, so much grieving. but the unquestioning audience can easily let these things go unnoticed or take them as 'normal' because come what may, the film will end happily: the good shall prevail. question it and you will see an 'exasperated look and hear the phrase "IT'S JUST A MOVIE"
what started as an escape from the real world, a noble way of reaching for the beyond, is fast becoming a mirror of the human situation. how much can we transcend, really?
...i'm about to play "the little mermaid" for the nth time around..who knows what answer i can give..

1stwEekOfdMontH

HOUSEMATE
He was simply a housemate. maybe he tried to reach out to me...maybe he wanted me to be a 'friend.' i don't know why i didn't even bother. believe me, i'm kindda friendly. i'm cool. well, we are in good terms..but not really that good. we talk, yes. a little hi and hello and that's it. not much conversation; not much to offer. it stayed that way.
we occupy the two bedrooms at the 2nd storey of a two-storey house. hence, we're housemates. we share the same rest room and we have the entire storey of the house for ourselves. he frequents the terrace while i junk myself in my room. among the two of us, he's closer to the owners of the house, while he mingles with them downstairs, i rot myself upstairs. and i don't know why. i already had plans then of boarding somewhere else. he is no menace. i always am the first one to use the rest room during mornings; he cleans the house while i spread dirt on it; he helps me in carrying my heavy stocks in and out of the house. he is also a gentleman...checking on me every now and then...
but with all his kindness, i didn't even stir. it stayed that way up to the day i packed my things and moved out.
monday morning, 1st day of October. i went back to my old 'house'to get my remaining things. no one was there. strange. that house is never 'alone'. i still have the keys with me so i was able to get inside. the house was messy. bedroom doors were left opened showing beds unkempt. the whole house--was sad. i went to my stock room (i rented two rooms, one in the 1st storey, and another upstairs.) i only got two boxes of my stocks and i decided to go. i don't know what's with the place. it's eerie. i didn't like the air. it felt so heavy. and as much as i wanna go upstairs, something within me keeps on saying no. and i was the ever obedient master.
and then it happened. monday afternoon, 1st day of October. i received a call about his accident--and his death!
images of him flashed even when i'm trying to get some sleep. and i finally realize why i didn't allow myself to get close to him...maybe this is the reason why. maybe.
i can't imagine how it would have been had i not transferred..we have adjacent rooms..i can still hear his voice..and it hit me: that heavy feeling i had that morning while i was inside the house we used to occupy. i shivered. i thought i'm having a fever. it was odd.
i was the first one to live in that house; his room was first offered to me but i declined; i was the first one to meet an accident (thank god, nothing happened) while we were still living in that house; and i was the first one to move out. i was the first. what if i was second and he was first? would i have been the one 13 feet below the ground right now?
but maybe it was really his time, if there is such a thing. all i know is death is as normal as life. we just play favorites.