BIG FISH

i missed talking about nonsense..i miss smiling at people without the air of "business as usual" thing. but most of all, i miss thinking about deep thoughts..
i dont want to remember how life was in college..but forever it will remain in my heart..a part of me that time can never erase..the sadness of not directly applying the point of my college degree is overwhelming..here i am, challenging competition and holding on to the thin hope that somehow, i'll make it..here i am, trying to decipher sales figures and pressuring myself to let it be favorable to the company i have learned to accustom my self with.
here i am, talking about medicine and the profession and making my self believe that it is better off than that of legalities and the system of politics. here i am, winning a doctor's agreement instead of a judge's affirmation...and, yes, it hurts.
i guess man will never find himself. he will forever try to search for it. the IT of HIM. the IT of ME.
don't get me wrong, i love my job. i love waking up in the morning knowing that i have this job and am working for a company many would die for just to land a job.
it's just that--i don't see any connection. any necessary connection. but maybe life is really like this. A BAG OF SURPRISES. A BAG OF MYSTERY.
i should have taken nutrition or biology or any science-related subject or marketing perhaps..then maybe i wouldn't feel this hallow. philosophy really made a deep impact on my life. maybe i will wake up to my final morning still reminiscing those days i was given the chance to teach.
maybe i really am not meant to be an educator the way socrates was to plato or plato was to aristotle. but i sure don't need a room or a university to profess my love for one of the greatest gifts of man: wondering..
soon i'll know if i have lived a life worth living..
lord, i'm too young to wonder how life will end. but shouldn't i start wondering now?
my job is eating me out..and a minute of recollection is already a big blessing..while writing this, i am de-stressing myself. this is how i relax..but i hope not forever.
c'mon, tell me i make some sense.